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Providence Marianwood - Family Story and Ask

[I was asked once again to speak at the spring luncheon for Providence Marianwood, the long term care facility at which my father lived for his last 4.5 years. The keynote speaker for the luncheon was Robert Fulghum. I was also preceded by Gene Muren, whose wife Debra is a resident of the same wing that my father had been on, and who suffers from early-onset Alzheimer's. Debra was diagnosed at the age of 46.]

I want to thank Gene as well for sharing his poem and story. Debra's a familiar face to those of us who've spent any time in the Alzheimer's wing. I also have to echo Gene's characterization of the experience as both educational, and humbling.

Some of you might recognize me, since I've been here twice before telling my parents story. I'm here today in part to bring that story to a close, and share something I recently realized.

Before I do, though, I want you to take a moment and think about the word "home". What images, what memories, what feelings does that word - home - bring to mind for you?

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I'm the only child of what I've come to characterize as two fiercely independent Dutch immigrants.

When my father was diagnosed with Alzheimer's my mother viewed it as her responsibility to care for him - at home - until he no longer recognized her. You know that caring for a spouse with Alzheimer's is about as stressful a job as you can imagine, and it took its inevitable toll on my mom's health.

As she declined we made the difficult decision to find alternate arrangements for my dad. He spent several months in an assisted living facility, Sunrise of Bellevue, until he fell and broke his hip. (Fiercely independent apparently, among other things, means not always using a walker when you should.) Skilled nursing care was called for and we arrived at Providence Marianwood.

A phrase that I've used both times I've spoken here before is that my father was "content" at Marianwood. That's big. In fact, I can't tell you just how big that was. In my mom's last days it allowed she and I great comfort, such that I could help her knowing that my father was not just safe and well cared for, but content.

My mother passed away - at home - a week before mother's day, 6 years ago last week.

•

Alzheimer's spared him reliving my mother's death, and my father remained safe, exceptionally well cared for - and quite content - for the next four and half years.

As the child of an elderly resident there is a phone call that you know is coming. You don't know when, but you know that it's a call that you expect, and that you dread.

A little over a year and a half ago we got the call.

My wife Kathy and I packed up ourselves and our three dogs - frequent visitors to Marianwood, and these luncheons, themselves - and spent the last 24 hours of my father's life with him, in his room.

As I was there that night with my father I watched the activity around us. I watched the nurses and aids come in periodically to see not only if my father was comfortable, but also asking if we - including the dogs - were doing OK as well. I watched the other residents, many of them, like Debra, familiar faces by now, go to bed, get up, eat their meals and live their own comfortable lives in safety and in comfort.

It wasn't until much later that I realized something very important.

While we might want to stay "at home" - perhaps even die "at home" - home isn't a building. Home is where you're surrounded by people who love you and people that honestly and truly care about your comfort and well being.

Home is where you're content.

Even as you lay dying.

My father may have died in a building labeled Providence Marianwood.

But - like my mother - my father died at home.

And for that, I am eternally grateful to the people that work in a building labeled Providence Marianwood and turned it into his home.

•

My parents and I have been incredibly fortunate in many, many ways. Finding Providence Marianwood was just one. Not needing to rely on Medicaid or other assistance was another.

Not everyone is so fortunate.

I was surprised to read that nearly half of Marianwood residents have no longer have the financial resources to cover their care. And as we all know, Medicaid supplements simply do not cover the true cost of long term care.

I was once told by a Marianwood staffer that "we don't kick people out when they run out of money".

Indeed. You don't kick people out of their home.

And yet, that money has to come from somewhere.

That's where you, and I and the Providence Marianwood Foundation come in.

And it's why we're here today.

We're here today to show our support - yep, with cold hard cash - though I'm sure checks and credit cards will do too.

We're here today to help Marianwood continue to be a place where the people who live here are surrounded by people that honestly and truly care about their comfort and well being, and have the resources to do it.

We're here today to help Marianwood continue to be people's home.

In the past I've challenged you not just to double your donation, but to add a zero to it, since that's so much easier. And absolutely, I honestly hope that at least a couple of you here today will do exactly that.

But I also know that the economy is, well ... the economy.

But I need you to remember that it affects all of us - donors, residents and even Marianwood itself. In fact, the very reason you consider not increasing your donation is the very reason we absolutely need you to.

So I'll going to challenge you - right here and now - to tear up that pre-written check you came in with ('cause I know many of you did), or tear up the idea you had coming in, and write a new check for exactly twice the original amount. And further - fill in that card pledging to donate that same larger amount sometime during, or over the course of the next year.

I can tell you first hand the incredible impact that Marianwood has on people's lives ... not just their residents, but friends and family - like me - as well.

And I can also tell you that you can have an incredible impact on Marianwood's ability to be the wonderful, loving and caring home that it is.

Thank you.

My EADS luncheon talk

This is the "Family Story" and "Ask" that I presented at the Elder and Adult Day Services luncheon on Februay 5th, 2009. (Dr. John Medina of Brain Rules was the keynote speaker.)

I'm here to tell you some things that you probably already know.

Like my story.

My mother passed away in 2003 at the age of 82.

My father passed away a year and a half ago at the age of 91.

And I know, that you know, which of the two had Alzheimer's.

You already know my story because you've either seen it, or lived it yourself.

My parents were Dutch immigrants, coming to Canada in 1952, and then to the United States with me, their only child, 8 years later.

Having survived living in an occupied country through World War II, they both developed a kind of strength that would be characteristic of their peers of that generation.

Being immigrants they used that strength to create a life of independence and self-reliance.

Once again ... you already know this story.

You know that it was my father who was diagnosed with Alzheimer's in the mid 1990's.

You know that it was my mother who took care of him.

You also know that ... independent and self-reliant to a fault ... it wore her out.

Taking care of my father was, to her, an important duty, a responsibility even. Her plan was simply to care for him until he no longer recognized her, and then ... well ... "we'll see", she'd say.

Unfortunately in a perverse race between his memory and her health, it was the memory of the Alzheimer's patient that outlasted.

In the year before she passed away, we began to realize exactly how much of a toll her choices were taking on her. We did manage to find some outside help in the form of some respite care. I was able to spend Thursday afternoons with her while my dad had someone else to be with.

You also know how this story ends.

It lasted about 6 months.

It was too little too late. The stress was too much. Her body simply wore out.

There are other things you already know as well.

You know that my story is decidedly not unique. The details may vary, but this story is being lived by families all over our region, every day.

You know that you've heard way too much about "baby boomers" of late. But you also know all that talk is based in truth: there is a wave coming - the need we're talking about here today is only going to get bigger.

And you're here because you know that the services provided by Elder and Adult Day Services is a critical part of taking care of the caretaker; taking care of the family; taking care so that they don't become, for lack of a better term, collateral damage in another perverse race against dementia or another debilitating condition.

And you're here because you know that not everyone can afford it.

And because you know what I'm about to ask you to do...

I'm going to ask you to support Elder and Adult Day Services.

Table captains, if you would, please pass out the pledge cards and envelopes.

It's traditional at this point in this kind of presentation to make a request for you to consider doubling your planned donation by both donating today, and also pledging to donate that same amount over the next twelve months. And of course I encourage you all to consider doing exactly that.

In my opinion the math is much easier if you just add a zero instead , and turn that $150 donation into a $1500 donation, $300 into $3000 or even more. I honestly hope that there are at least ... say ... three of you ... here today who will seriously consider the impact that this act of generosity will have on your community.

The problem is that there's something else you already know as well.

You know that these are tough times.

But please keep in mind that it's exactly because these are tough times that we need you to give more, not less. Funding - both private and government funding - is being affected by our tough economic times. If Elder and Adult Day Services is to effectively to serve the ever increasing needs in our community, it can only do so with your extra-generous and increasing support.

Please ... be generous. Please ... write down a really big number.

You know that it'll be put to good use.

And you know that it's needed.

A Store Goes Empty

The doll shop is officially "between locations" right now - our brick and mortar location is not only closed, but as of today empty.

Before: The shop on its last day of operation

That's the last day the shop was open. You can see we've already started to pack up, but the display cases and everything else are still in place.

During: just after moving out the display cases

This was taken a day or two after moving the display cases and other "big stuff". We rented a 16' moving truck with a lift gate. After 14 years of carting the display cases around we suffered our first major damage: the front doors of one case shattered when I took a corner just a little to fast and it ... uh ... fell over onto the counter next to it.

After: Jerome guards an empty store

Today we emptied and cleaned out the store the rest of the way. Left it for the last time.

Dolls and Friends Headquarters

And now, Dolls and Friends is ... temporarily at least ... operating out of our living and dining rooms. What you can't see here is (three car) garage that's currently full of display cases, dolls, stands, inventory, supplies and a bunch of other stuff.

5 Years. And some things never change.

August 10th marks the 5th anniversary of Ask Leo!. Technology changes, some things come and go, but one thing that never changes is the stream of the odd, the strange, and the downright ... ok, I'll say it ... stupid questions that show up in the Ask Leo! question queue.

As has been my tradition, it's once again time to clean the question barrel, so here are this year's collection of odd questions scraped from the bottom.

As always, every question is a real question I've received via Ask Leo! within the last year, presented exactly as I got it (except that any potentially identifying information will have been removed). Each "answer" is the answer that I'd be oh-so-tempted to give... [Warning: there may be "bad words" in some of the questions. You've been warned.]

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can u save levels in mario three for nintendo

Yes, I have several.

hi there r u single m8 i have no idea wat ur like

No, and besides, I now have a pretty clear idea of wat ur like.

Ok so there is this boy. and i hav liked him for a while. every one wants me to get over him just like that and move on. He is an ass and i want to get over him so bad but i dont know why i cant. and i also compare him to other guys. i mean there r so many other guys. what do i do??????

You go to a computer geek for relationship advice? You need more help than I can offer.

why is internet bad for little kids

It causes them to start dropping words and punctuation from their written communication.

advice on landrover freelander are they a good purchase?? second hand

You go to a computer geek for automotive advice? You need more help than I can offer.

I Have A Girlfriend Called _____ ____. I Want To Invite Her To My House But Im Afraid She'll Say No. What Can I Do To Make My Girlfriend _____ ____ Say Yes On Coming To My House?

Plaster her name all over the internet, and make sure to Capitalize Every Word when you do so.

I have a 24 foot box truck how do I find loads for it?

Back it up to your local political or governmental facility, and I'm sure they'll give you a load.

Why is the sky blue?

'cause it would look funny red.

how do i become a quick chenge artist? do i need special clothes or can i use my own? Can kids do it or not?

Look, Mr. Kent, we've been over this before; you start with a phone booth...

How to change toemail passward?

With a pedicure.

how many people can fit in one american football stadium? this is for my homework..... my teacher said to ask some one! hehe

Depends on who's playing. (Clearly she didn't say to as someone who cares. hehe)

what does a phychiatrists do?

Corrects plural confusion.

If there is a problem in the genes of the liver cells, will it effect the next generations ? Why ? ( answer needed )

You go to a computer geek for medical advice? You need more help than I can offer.

who in holbrook high school fancies me.

Hal.

who do u love.

My wife. (And maybe Bo Diddley, but still, George Thorogood has a certain appeal as well.)

hello sir,,,my name is _____ nd i am frm england..greater manchester.......i just wanted to know that i want to become an indian actor(BOLLYWOOD STAR).....nd i am 16 yrz old....i want to become a star as quick as possible.....so wer shall i go for advice,acting....nd am i sure they will accept me in the film industry??........thanks very much sir

You go to a computer geek for acting advice? You need more help than I can offer.

why cant i get a straight answer to how many states in the usa that still have the death penalty

Perhaps because the authorities are still trying to find you, and don't want you to pick the wrong state?

what happened to pluto?

A terrible accident involving Goofy, Micky, Minnie a saddle and a riding crop. Very sad.

What to do when youu think you are falling in love?

Keep thinking.

Will john become my boyfriend?

No, Arthur, he will not.

how to change rear strut on 1988 Mercury tracer?

I'd use a credit card and someone with a clue.

1) How can you add value to this position / Bank? 2) Give us a summary of your current achievements? 3) Where do you see yourself within 5 years from now?

You really want me to fill out your job application for you? Fine, just don't blame me with the job you'll get saddled with.

any natural way breast enhancement?

[Fill in your own punchline. Sometimes they're best left to the imagination.]

which famous people attended gianni versace's funneral in 1997?

Those that couldn't make other plans.

what is the Cancer Research Aims,Objectives and purposes? please answer my question i need it for my study. i am a business student.

You go to a computer geek for business advice? You need more help than I can offer.

ARE YOU DUMB?

Not as dumb as sumb.

how can I empty the gas tank on a 1992 Chevrole Lumina without taking that gas tank of the car

Drive it?

How much were the gladiators paid?

One life per victory.

wiring diagrame for a detached garage taken from the main consumer unit of the house to garage

You go to a computer geek for construction advice? You need more help than I can offer.

what is the capital of canada

Some would say Washington D.C.

why are sexy?

There is no why, sexy just are.

how old am i?

Obviously not old enough.

would a fan work in space like if u pluged it up and turned it on wat would it do please let me know

Of course it would "work". It would spin very fast and accomplish nothing. Not unlike many of these questions.

CLEANING STAINLESS COFFEE POTS

Ah yes, this year's bad haiku entry:

I spend my life time
cleaning stainless coffee pots
should 'a quit Starbucks

describe the atomic structure of a carbon atom, includong the electron energy level

You go to a computer geek for physics advice? You need more help than I can offer.

Lately I have been really down becasue I am very confused about my true love.I am not sure if he loves me or likes me.I havent told him the way I feel because I am scared of being rejected. How do I no if he likes or loves me at all?

Consult an internet psychic

how do microbes help us?

Well, normally they keep the riff-raff out, but clearly not in this case...

How many molecules of water are needed to completely hydrolyze a polymer that is 11 monomers long?

You go to a computer geek for chemistry advice? You need more help than I can offer.

On USA today 'photo gallery' - 'This week in space' page 2 it shows a supernova. It is in the Cassiopeai A system which is 10,0000 light years away. The artical states that the star went supernova 325 years ago. Question - isn't it unusual for light to travel 10,000 light years in 325 years?

You've clearly never watched Star Trek, have you?

how to create an electromagnetic pulse to disable all electronics.

Please, Mr. Jong-il, I keep telling you I can't help you. Maybe this person can.

What is the missing scene and the chapter in the novel named Harry Potter and the Sorcerers Stone

How did we know it was there in the first place? Clearly you do, therefore you must have taken it. Please return it immediately, as Ms. Rowling is in desperate need of another few million.

requirements to be a corporate controller

Knowing who to ask.

how many calories are in a 100g jar of hellmans mayonaise?

Too many.

what is my brothers name and are you gay
you are so stupid i hate you i know where you live and yes you are gay

My year wouldn't be complete with this old saw.

What kind of oil does a 1999 eclispe take

Um.... automotive?

I'm 24 and I began to experience marijuana after high school. I havent tried it in a year or so, does this mean I'm unable to learn computer programming? I want to persue my education in computer science. I'm fairly knowlegible of computer operations, but need to learn more; IS IT POSSIBLE?

From some of the programmer's I've known ... well, it's hard to draw any conclusions. All I can say is that testing continues. A lot of testing.

How can i be Expert in window Xp can u provide Me Ebook that consist every problem solution about Xp operating System

The internet simply isn't big enough for that ebook.

when did the leaning tower of Pisa start to sink

It's sinking?

Is it true deer and big game can't see green colored light?

I always thought it was headlights that they couldn't see.

what is the creation of the illusion of movement in a computer program by recording a service of imagesthat show slight incremental changes in one of the displayed objects and by playing these imahes back fast enough that the eye precieves enough movement.

About a century ago they called it a "movie", shortly followed by something called a "talkie".

Its really great piece of help.... it worked... Thanks for being so articulated.

Thank you. I do exercise and try to stay limber.

•

Thanks again everyone for 5 years. We'll see what the next one brings, in addition to the usual "are you gay" and requests for advice on topics I know nothing about.

Prior Years

• 2007: Those "Other" Questions

• 2006: Another year of odd ones

• 2005: The Questions You Didn't See

• 2004: Ask me WHAT?

New unit of measurement: The Bible?

The Bible turns out to be a handy unit of measurement, particularly when you're trying to help folks some grasp large storage media or data transfer rates.

It doesn't matter whether you believe in what's in it, of course, it's just that most folks have seen one. I'd wager that most folks have a reasonable concept of its size, even if only in heft or "thud factor".

I used it as an example way back when as I tried to convey some concepts to my parents. This disk? It could hold X bibles! And this connection here, we can send the entire Bible in Y seconds! Wow!

A random copy of The Bible, text only, from project Gutenberg (http://www.gutenberg.org) "weighs in" at roughly 5 megabytes.

With that as a unit of measure:

My phone now has enough memory for about 200 Bibles.

The USB thumb drive on my keychain? Over 6,000 Bibles. (6 KiloBibles?)

And the new hard disk I just installed?

186,000+ Bibles. Almost two tenths of a MegaBible.

Now doesn't that just sound way more impressive?