The Ninth Year of “What the … ???”

August 10, 2012 marks the 9th anniversary of Ask Leo!. As is my tradition I give you a peek at some of the real, honest, unedited questions I get but could not answer – at least not on Ask Leo!. So:

* This would be an exact, complete question or comment exactly as I got it (only altered to remove personally identifiable information)

This would be the reply I wish I could give.

On with the fun:

* I am moving to a new home, and I take People Magazine, and would like them to send it to my new address after Aug. 18th 2011. ****** **** Rd, *****, Ca. 920** Thanks.

I’ll get right on that.

* I LOVE YOU MAN!

I … uh … well … uh … thanks.

* you not lost your password.it is a main part of id.

you not bases us belong all your

* how the mobile recharge pin number works

Magic. Seriously, it’s all magic.

* Dear Leo, why is microsoft even here?

Where would you like it to be? Wait. Don’t answer that.

* how to connect dominatrix printer to windows XP or server 2003

You can connect dominatrix printers only when dominatrix printers say you can, and not a minute before. Doing otherwise will get you punished.

* Hello How can I get accepted to Harvard University (W) and what is their website for submission (electronic submission)?? I would also get on the website to apply and get introduced to the best ten universities in the world thanks mr leo

If you really need my help, may I respectfully suggest that Harvard might not be the best fit?

* how to create a virus?

It’s already been done. Move on.

* facebook hack

Is that the first line to a poem or something?

* What is it about Windows that I hate?

Its lack of mind-reading ability? (Wait, maybe this is the first line to a poem?)

* in figure skating what does glaring technical errors mean

It’s when the zamboni has just completed its job and the skaters are blinded by the reflection of the lights in the ice.

* mostly common question about technical support?

Yeah, mostly.

* Please let me know if if ***** Japanese car exporters are a genuine company from or through which i can import a car to be delivered to Durban port South Africa and pay in advance by way of bank transfer?

Sure. Why not?

* Do you think that downloading any software online should be legal? Why or why not?

Downloading? Sure. Paying for it is where it gets interesting….

* what would happen to density if you had half of the mass without changing the volume

I’m thinking you’ve reached sufficient density.

* how would you tell a guy that u like him but you have dated his best friend and he has a girl friend?

People are still asking a computer geek for relationship advice? Seriously?

* hi leo i think you look like my teacher mr butler(: xx

How do you know I’m not him?

* I creat some software which was unique and very useful for computer world ,and I want to build a software company? how can i build a software company ??? please tell me………..please

C’mon Bill, you’ve done it before you can do it again.

* I am really sorry that i forget my password

So am I.

* will my sister manel ever lose weight

What, you think I’m a psychic now? But … wait … the spirits are telling me … no, she will not.

* How to istall fuel pressure regulator on 2004 olsmobile alero v 6

Open wallet, remove cash, hand cash to mechanic.

* what is love means?

love means is sorry never saying

* How i use ATM?

First you steal your daddy’s bank card…

* who is our real deen

First you eliminate all the fake deens whatever is left, however improbable, must be the real deen

* Is it really possible to have a microwave turn on with the door open(broken switch). How come no news stories on this? I assume your hand would get cooked.

Only on the outside. The inside would remain ice cold.

* What will my future look like when I’m 19?

Much like it does now, only shorter.

* while writting in computor where does the ink come from??

It’s actually not ink, but pixel dust, harvested by pixel fairies and placed in the computer when it’s manufactured. Most people don’t realize that computer crashes are caused by running out of pixel dust. When you take it in for repair make sure to ask for extra pixel dust. In fact, splurge and ask for “premium pixel dust” – it’ll also make your computer run faster.

* Please help the Military develop a pacemaker for my 3/compartment Heart.

You want a military grade heart? I’ll get right on that…

* hiiii sooooooooooooooooooo i love this guy named asked leo but idk how to ask out ask leo.

idk either.

* where does steam come from for aircraft carrier

Steam fairies?

* IF I left Tokyo at 10pm SUNDAY to los angelos across the pacific A nd captain announces that i just crossed the international date time line. WHAT time and date when the announcement was made.

I hate story problems.

* Who is the greatest man in this world

You mean this world? No idea. If you’d asked about some other world, I might have been able to help.

* i am going to marry unknown girl who is younger 10 years with me is it right decision

You’ve definitely come to the wrong place, young lady.

* Leo, is the world really going to end on December 21, 2012? Different sources are providing different information so I’m confused & worried about it. Please guide me.

Ask me again next year, OK?

* WHY?.com

because I said so. .net

* What type of light bulbs are in Microwaves? They last f-o-r-e-v-e-r !! I know this is not a computer question…but it has to do with electronics. P.S. You have good, well thought out answers and I like your blog. Bernard

Really really good ones.

* Why is it that very time I download stuff I always get someone who wants to help me download it? If I get to download it, I always get 5 or six others who want to ride my coattail. It seems as though that the internet is getting very clogged up and much harder to navigate. Thanks again.

Well, to begin with, stop letting them in your house.

* my windows xp browser history is no longer !!

So you’re saying that … your browser history is history! (HA! I crack me up.)

* send my money to bank account is 6*********7 in nigeria.my tel+2**********.yours kalu ******

It’s complicated, but in order to move money out of this country I need you to wire me some funds first as a show of good faith, OK?

* my question is regarding 185cc honda atc motor, and a honda 125cc motor. are the crankshafts in these motors interchangable with one another, they are 1986 on the 185, and the 125 is a 1988. Thank-you very much for your time and effort.

The only Crankshaft I’m aware of is a comic.

And finally … I have to point out that most of the above contradicts a question I actually did answer over on Ask Leo! – Are computer users getting smarter?

Sure doesn’t seem like it, does it?

Need more? Here’s last years list: . Still more? Here are all the prior years: Ask Leo! Annual WTH Questions.