The offer, the reality
It’s a common question in situations such as the one I found myself in.
People desperately want to help. The problem is that they can’t know what’s appropriate to offer proactively, so asking what they can do in a generic sense is the only real alternative they have. “Please let me know if there’s anything I can do to help” is a common equivalent.
Now, to be clear, the sentiment is deeply appreciated; truly. I’ve remarked on how just knowing that there are people who would drop everything to render aid or solve a problem at a moment’s notice is incredibly comforting. It really does remove a level of stress, even if that aid is never called into action.
There’s something simple that also renders incredible value, and yet it’s something that, for reasons I can’t quite fathom, seems the most difficult thing to offer at all.
Stay in contact.
It really is that simple. Check in periodically. Converse. Engage. Chat.
Listen.
Use whatever medium makes sense for you and the person you’re reaching out to. Perhaps even ask what would work best.
I’ve never been one for lengthy talks on the phone, for example, but that’s particularly true right now as my throat continues to recover from surgery. Being who I am, almost any other mechanism will work — I’ve already mentioned all the different communications applications I have at my fingertips. Of course, not everyone feels the same, so ask.
Make sure it’s something that works for you as well. If the medium you chose is something you dislike, that could become a barrier to you continuing the conversation. As best you can, make it easy for both of you.
Conversely, let “not now” be a completely acceptable response without judgment. There may be a lot going on, there may not be, and it may not be your place to know the details. Trust and even encourage the person you’re reaching out to to have boundaries and to know that you’re completely OK with that.
Trust them to manage their own boundaries. You don’t need to “protect” them, particularly if that “protection” prevents you from reaching out.
The thing is that many of the situations we find ourselves in are isolating. In my case, I’m pretty much housebound for a while. (The first opportunity for truly independent movement will happen when the cervical collar comes off in a few weeks.) As the initial rush of well-wishes tapers off, things can get … quiet. Isolating, even.
And that’s the risk.
And I’m an introvert! I was “built” for this — spending long periods of time alone — and yet I still feel the feelings. I can’t imagine the stress an extrovert would be experiencing in my shoes.
The initial flood of offers has passed. They were generous, heartfelt, and as I said, truly appreciated whether they came to pass or not.
But the recovery phase is a lengthier process. Simple contact can go a long, long way to reducing the risk of feeling isolated and encouraging positivity. It can be as simple as a text or an email (in my case), or phone calls and in-person visits for others who prefer more talky/hands-on interaction. Whatever works.
And aside from a little time, there’s next to no cost involved.
The next time you find yourself wondering what to do for that friend who’s been through something, or is just having a rough time, the simplest answer may be the best….
Drop ’em a line.
PS: The same applies to the caregivers, by the way. In my case, Kathy’s been dramatically impacted, but I know her ongoing conversations with close friends have been an important part of keeping her somewhat grounded as well. Particularly if you’re a friend of the spouse or caregiver, I know they’d appreciate you dropping them a line as well.