It’s easy to believe that friendships, once established, will last forever, or at least a very long time. Particularly when we’re young, there’s little evidence to the contrary.
And then we grow up.
We learn that life changes in oh so many ways that it’s impossible for even some of the best and most reliable of friendships to survive. It’s no surprise that the less-than-bestie relationships might legitimately fall by the wayside.
Eventually, we look back and think about those who were once friends and who, for a variety of reasons, are no longer in our lives. It’s hard to accept. It’s also not uncommon for that to include a sliver of “what’s wrong with me that I can’t keep friends?”
Nothing. Nothing at all. It’s life.
Fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Years ago, I had a very close friend and mentor. I rarely call any single person, other than my wife, my “best” friend, but they came very close. We aligned on many topics, and I learned a great deal from them. I can honestly say they helped in a small part to shape who I am today.
Then one day, without warning, they ghosted me. All emails (our primary conversation medium) went unanswered. My offers to get together disappeared into the void.
My only recourse to maintain my own mental health was to simply let it go. I sent a final email saying something to the effect of “if you ever want to re-engage, I’m here.”
Sometimes it’s the other person’s life circumstances that make the friendship — or just human contact — untenable. I ran into this person’s spouse a few years later, and they told me my friend had fallen into a deep depression. There was really nothing I could offer, other than my earlier statement about re-engaging. (To date, they have not.)
People change
Another friend, less close, but still a friend, became more “prickly” as time went on. Not surprisingly, it was politics-related. It was clear we didn’t share the same world view, and discussions became less amiable.
I don’t like to let simple differences of opinion become a barrier to friendship, unless the opposite opinion is truly heinous, particularly if that friendship has some time associated with it. But there are limits. Sometimes it’s not what you think, but how you express it, that gets in the way. While I understood their position, not only were they unable to rationally discuss it, they also couldn’t let it go. Snide remarks were very common.
That’s not something I need in my life. Not now.
The only two people I’ve “unfriended” on Facebook, for example, were for that reason. And yes, it was politics in both cases. Again, I need to take care of my own mental health.
Paths diverge
We are all growing and changing every day. It’s unrealistic to assume that individuals will always do so in the same direction, or that the person we became friends with years ago would be that same person today.
Or that even we would be the same.
We’re all making choices in life: where to live, where to work, whether to have children, where to invest the precious time we have. Any of these, and I’m sure more, can cause a friendship to simply drift apart. It happens without animosity, just different life circumstances and priorities.
For me, that includes roommates, classmates, former co-workers, and more. The list is long.
All you can really do is recognize the split, cherish the memories, mourn the loss, and move on.
Death enters the chat
As you grow older, it becomes more obvious, but it’s still easy to overlook. The result is that when a friend passes away, it’s almost always an unexpected shock.
I had a high school friend die their first year at university. I had a co-worker and engineer working for me pass away because of an incurable illness. Recently, I lost a close relative and friend to cancer.
We hope always to live a long life, without realizing that one of the “costs” of that long life is outlasting many of the people currently in it.
Cherish the memories. Mourn the loss.
It’s always hard
Regardless of the reason, losing a friend is always hard. From close friends to casual acquaintances, our friends are a part of who we are. Losing one is like losing a small part of yourself.
Particularly when we start out thinking “friendships are forever”, that loss can hit extra hard as we come to learn it’s not an assumption we can ever make.
Planning for loss
There are, of course, many platitudes associated with loss in all its forms.
“Losing one relationship makes room for another”, for example, rings hollow as you face the reality of a painful loss.
Instead, do this:
– Cherish and be grateful for the friends you have right now. That will mean different things for different people and for different friendships. Do the best you can. Invest in the time you have right now.
– For those friendships that are no more, cherish the memories and mourn the loss. Be grateful for the time you had.
Above all, realize that friendships come and go for many, many reasons. Rather than rail against life’s inherent unfairness, invest in what you have today.
It’s the only thing in your control.
Thank-you for this.
Having lost what I assumed were ‘forever’ friendships, and the ultimate ending of a friendship from one person who turned ‘prickly’, your email has helped me better understand and accept the losses.
I recently lost a friend of 56years. He was a good man & I had assumed a friend for life. It was and it left me in indespair for years. During those years I became isolated and lost other friendships because of my memories!
I have since learned to appreciate each & every friendship and I have also learned that it is a two-way connection and remeber that – everyone & everything is here for a purpose – we need to see that purpose.