Ask me WHAT?

On this first anniversary of my Ask Leo! service, I present this sampling of some of the funny, odd or not-so-technical questions I’ve received. All questions are complete and unedited. All answers are what a part of me wishes I could reply with. (I typically do not respond to these types of questions at all.)

how to solve the problem

Step 1: state the problem.

I need atleast ten differences between a Port and device.
I need atleast ten differences between a Memory and register.

I’ll need at least ten reasons why I should do your certification exam homework for you.

im looking to send a leathel virus to someone who is reading my partners emails

I’m sure that the folks here can help you out.

Are you gay?

No.

do you think that a leo and a virgo go together as a perfect couple.

Of course. [My wife’s a Leo, I’m a Virgo … I mean, what else could I say?]

it grow like grass covering my back yard , the leaves are green with white on them and viloet little purple flower on the top

I think you got the syllable count in your haiku wrong. Try this:

flowers cover yard
growing like healthy grass blades
green white and purple

how do i find MANYe-mail addresses?

These days, just wait and they’ll show up on all the SPAM in your inbox.

is sex free

Never.

u should no since ur leo why does donald duck has a towel if he has no pants

Probably because he’s a fictitious cartoon character.

Are you gay?

Still No. I even double-checked with my wife.

When I eat asperagus, my pee smells really bad. Why does this happen?

Someone’s spiking your vegetables.

I am ***** *****,i want 2 now when will i get a real cute boyfriend?

Here’s a secret: the really REALLY cute ones flock to girls that can write proper English. Trust me on this.

Is your refrigerator running?

SIGH

beer

Beer is not a question. Beer is the answer.

can shareware be

I love existential software questions. Yes, shareware can be. Apparently it can BeOS too.

HOW DO I GET COOKIES

I’d look here or here. Or you could bake your own.

how can u put names on name tags

I’d go here.

Bullion Logic

A precious metal investment strategy.

Are you gay?

Why is this such an important question to you? You do realize you’re not my type, don’t you?

And finally, one that apparently confuses people somewhat:

Who is Leo?

Well, I am not this person (really, I’m not), and I’m not this person. I did not go to school here. I am not this writer, and I am not this musician.

I am, however, this guy.